I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
