I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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