i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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