We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
