woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
