I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
