did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
