I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
