Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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