you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
