I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
