Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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