he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize