I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
