It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
