so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
