Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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