Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
