The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
