Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
