i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
