From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
