I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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