dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
