I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
