My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
