omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
