I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
