took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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