the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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