I hate all girls vehemently.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
