He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
