She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
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The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
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Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.