did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
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She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
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I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.