I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.