we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Randomize
