rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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