I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
