They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
