When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
