I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
