I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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