I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
