maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
