did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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