when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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