So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
