onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
