He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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