The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
