You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
