Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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