OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
