In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
