you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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