wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
