I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
