I have demons in me.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
