If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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