Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
