I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Couch. On fire.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
