someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My liver just broke up with me...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
