Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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