i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We were destined to go to rehab together
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
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